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Why Does a Victim Stay or Continue to Return?
The question, “Why does she stay or keep going back if things are so bad? ”oversimplifies the deeply complex dynamics of abusive relationships. A survivor’s decision to remain in or return to an abusive relationship is rarely a matter of simple choice. Instead, it is shaped by psychological, social, and practical factors, often compounded by the perpetrator’s manipulative tactics, such as feigned remorse, promises to change, or displays of affection that reinforce the cycle of abuse.
Let’s explore the key reasons behind these decisions:
1. Fear of Being Alone or "Left on the Shelf"
Societal pressures instil a fear of being unlovable or reaching a perceived “sell-by date.” Perpetrators exploit this fear with statements like:
“Nobody will want a single mum with baggage.”
Even in abusive relationships, victims may feel that this is the best they can hope for. Intermittent affection, future promises, and love-bombing create confusion, leading survivors to hold onto the illusion of a happy ending.
Questions like “What if I leave just as things are about to change?” or “What if I never find love again?” perpetuate this emotional entrapment.
2. Misguided Self-Blame and Fixation
Many survivors internalise the blame for the abuse, believing that if they:
Give more of themselves,
Prove their loyalty,
Or help address the abuser’s personal issues (e.g., addiction or mental health),
...they can “fix” the perpetrator and repair the relationship. This misguided narrative keeps them invested in the abusive dynamic, often at great personal cost.
3. Fear of Retaliation
For some, staying is a survival strategy. Perpetrators often use threats to harm the victim, their children, or others to maintain control. This leaves survivors feeling trapped, as leaving may escalate the risk of violence or retaliation.
4. Fear of the Unknown
The uncertainty of leaving can feel more daunting than the abuse itself. Survivors wrestle with overwhelming questions:
“What will the abuser do if I leave?”
“How will I support myself?”
“Will I lose custody of my children?”
These fears often outweigh the known dangers of staying, making the familiar—even if harmful—feel safer than the unknown.
5. Lack of Awareness About Risk
Abuse often escalates gradually, normalising dangerous behaviour over time. Survivors may not fully recognise the severity of their situation, which blurs their understanding of the risks involved.
6. Shame and Societal Pressure
Cultural norms and societal stigma play a powerful role. Beliefs like “marriage is for better or worse” or fears of judgment over a “broken home” can compel survivors to endure abuse out of shame or fear of criticism.
7. Romanticised Media Narratives
Stories of “bad boys” transformed by love or the glorification of toxic relationships in songs and movies reinforce the belief that abusers can change. These narratives feed into the “Cinderella syndrome,” convincing survivors that enduring hardship will eventually lead to a happy ending.
8. A Sense of Responsibility for the Perpetrator’s Well-Being
Perpetrators often use coercive tactics, such as threatening self-harm or suicide, to manipulate survivors into staying. This emotional burden leaves victims feeling responsible for their abuser’s safety, making it incredibly difficult to leave.
9. Love and Emotional Dependency
Despite the abuse, many survivors genuinely love their abuser. This emotional dependency is often a result of deliberate manipulation, where the perpetrator moulds the victim’s thoughts and feelings to reinforce this bond.
10. Seeking Closure and Meaning
Survivors frequently look to the abuser for answers to questions like:
“Did you ever love me?”
“What went wrong?”
"I just need to know why"
Unfortunately, the responses they receive often keep them trapped in a cycle of grief, as perpetrators rarely provide the closure survivors seek. True healing requires finding meaning and closure independently—a realisation that can be difficult for those entrenched in the grief cycle.
Breaking the Cycle
The reasons survivors stay or return are multifaceted, rooted in trauma, manipulation, and survival instincts. Judging or simplifying their decisions risks alienating them further and reinforcing the dynamics they seek to escape.
Professionals must adopt a trauma-informed approach, offering empathy and genuine curiosity to uncover the deeper reasons behind a survivor’s choices. Understanding their unique story is key to providing the support they need to break free.
Moreover, inadequate support from services often plays a significant role in perpetuating the cycle. When survivors feel dismissed, misunderstood, or unsupported, their isolation deepens, making it even harder to leave.
By creating a safe and empowering space, professionals can help survivors access the resources and confidence needed to rebuild their lives and reclaim their sense of self.