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Understanding Trauma Responses That May Appear as Stalking
In this lesson, we explore the complex reality that some stalking-type behaviours can be trauma responses, particularly in survivors of coercive control and abandonment trauma.
Without trauma-informed understanding, victims may be misidentified as perpetrators, leading to further harm.
Just because a behaviour meets the legal definition of stalking does not mean the person engaging in it has criminal or malicious intent, especially when that person is a victim of coercive control or unresolved trauma.
1. The Emotional Fallout of a Coercively Controlling Relationship
In coercive control, the relationship only ends when the perpetrator says it ends. If a victim ends it, this can feel like a challenge to the perpetrator’s power and control, which often triggers retaliation. Even if the perpetrator no longer wants the relationship, they don’t want to lose control on someone else’s terms.
When perpetrators end relationships after prolonged psychological abuse, the victim often experiences:
Abandonment trauma
Self-worth collapse
Panic and desperation
Fear of being alone or unlovable
These wounds are often created and deepened by the perpetrator over time. The abuser tears down the victim’s self-esteem, and when they discard the victim, the emotional shock can be overwhelming, especially if the victim has a history of trauma or childhood neglect.
2. Victims May Unknowingly Engage in Stalking-Like Behaviour
In this highly dysregulated state, victims may:
Bombard the perpetrator with calls or messages
Beg for closure, love, or reconciliation
Send photos or memories to try and elicit a response
Plead to meet or talk “just one more time”
These behaviours may appear obsessive or clingy, and legally, if the perpetrator has stated they do not want contact, it may meet the threshold for stalking.
But here’s the nuance:
The behaviour is not about control. It’s about emotional survival.
The victim is not trying to dominate or punish. They are trying to:
Reclaim some dignity
Avoid emotional carnage
Escape the unbearable pain of silence
Especially if ghosting and the silent treatment were used as control tactics during the relationship, no contact feels like psychological torture. It mirrors every previous abandonment they’ve endured, often dating back to childhood.
3. What Professionals Must Consider
It is essential that we don’t rush to criminalise someone who appears to be “stalking,” especially without full context. We must ask:
Is this person a survivor of coercive control?
Has the perpetrator previously used silence, punishment, or psychological abuse?
Is there evidence of trauma bonding?
Is the person experiencing extreme distress, dysregulation, or abandonment trauma?
Is this behaviour a pattern of abuse or a response to abuse?
Trauma can make even the most stable person behave in ways that appear irrational, but they are often just trying to regain emotional regulation.
This is where a detailed trauma-informed timeline becomes an invaluable tool.
4. A Real Example: When I Was That Survivor
“The following is a personal example of how trauma-driven behaviour can be misinterpreted as stalking. This highlights the importance of assessing intent, trauma context, and systemic failures before making assumptions about victim behaviour.”
Looking back, there was a time when I may have potentially engaged in stalking behaviour.
While I was undergoing cancer treatment, my ex refused to hand over our daughter’s Christmas presents from the marital home. We were still in a relationship at that point, just living separately for safeguarding reasons after he locked us out, and I relied on him for that handover.
I was too unwell to collect them by myself, and I was also the one caring for our daughter. He knew how important it was and that i was juggling daily cancer treatment… yet he ghosted me as a form of punishment because i failed to close the garden gate.
He withdrew all contact on the lead up to Christmas Eve.
I called his mobile. I rang his work number. I pleaded with him to speak to me, not for myself, but for the sake of our daughter. I didn’t want her Christmas to be ruined. In sheer desperation, I turned up at his place of work. It felt like the only way to get his attention.
From the outside, it may have appeared obsessive. It may have ticked some of the boxes for what’s legally defined as stalking. But in truth, I was not trying to control him. I was traumatised, abandoned, and doing my best to salvage a tiny piece of normality for my little girl after being emotionally terrorised and discarded during one of the most terrifying chapters of my life.
I remember hearing that his boss had described our relationship as "volatile." But this was not a volatile relationship. This was psychological abuse. The volatility wasn’t mutual, I was being punished, manipulated, and gaslit by the person I should have been able to rely on when I needed support most.
Another example: While my ex-partner was under investigation, i was once accused of stalking an investigating officer by a senior officer in the force. The truth is, I was terrified.
I had already experienced a string of stalking incidents which the police had failed to act upon despite the ongoing investigation.
On this occasion, I was advised to report this development directly to the investigating officer. Yet despite multiple attempts to contact him through the control room, email and his mobile, I was left with no response.
Meanwhile, my ex-partner was still trying to lure me to the former marital house using third parties and false pretences. I was desperate, frightened, and unsure how else to report what was happening. So I turned up at the station, three times in one day, just hoping to speak to the officer before he went off duty.
Again, this behaviour might fall under the definition of stalking. But the reality is that I was responding from a place of survival.
I wasn't being malicious or obsessive, I was trying to stay alive, trying to protect myself and my daughter when the systems meant to safeguard us were falling short.
5. Applying This to Young People
This emotional overwhelm isn’t limited to adult victims of abuse. We also see this in teenagers and emotionally immature individuals who have not yet developed the tools to process heartbreak or rejection. Some may beg an ex to take them back.
Others may stalk social media, message repeatedly, or turn up uninvited.
Rejection is painful for everyone, but for someone still developing emotionally, or with trauma wounds, it can feel like the end of the world.
Rather than punishment, they often need emotional education, boundaries, and safe spaces to process their feelings.
Conclusion:
Not all stalking is rooted in control. Some stalking-type behaviours are trauma responses. Victims need understanding, not condemnation.
Trauma-informed professionals ask, “What is driving this behaviour?" This is where effective use of a trauma-informed timeline becomes an invaluable tool.